我身邊好像沒什麼人感到意外，畢竟我一直以來都是專業搬家。從七歲到現在，大台北地區已經被我住遍：基隆、台北、新北，東西南北區我都嘗試過，大多數時候我和家人、朋友同居，短暫獨居一陣子，也和房東一起住過。在我三十二年的職業搬家生涯中，愛爾蘭是我搬過最遙遠的地方，可能也是我最喜歡的地方。但是回到台灣，不管怎麼搬，我好像都停留在台北的結界裡。
對我來說，搬家很少是為了實際生存目的，幾乎每一次的搬遷都是受到內心情緒驅動。有時候因為太渴望自由，有時候因為太寂寞，也有些時候是因為無法以不會讓自己想死的方式和同居的人好好相處，還有些時候是為了和心愛的人在一起。
搬家搬久了，好像永遠都在期待下一次搬家，中間的生活點滴都失去意義。搬家就好像打電動一樣，反正面對不了、無法解決的人際問題，我可以一走了之，在家裡覺得壓力太大，我可以掉頭就走，我不需要學習溝通、學習做人，每一次搬家都可以是全新的開始。
現在的我已經沒辦法這樣了，雖然我還是會動不動就說很想離開台北或台灣。有時候我老公會擔心我為了他留在台灣，會不會哪天突然想逃，就拋家棄貓遠走高飛，他說他哪裡都不想去，只希望我可以帶他走，我不知道要怎麼跟他說，我並不想要自己流浪，我連自己一個人住都覺得很痛苦。
這次搬離台北，也是好幾個月討論後的結果，我偶爾會懷疑到底是他想通了還是被我洗腦，但找到了適合的房子，意外發現蠻喜歡這個小城市，就這樣決定要兩個人帶著三隻貓，去一個沒有親戚也沒有朋友的地方住。
這次搬家感覺特別不一樣，因為每次揮別台北都有種我還會再回來的感覺，這次好像真的不會了，我的大逃亡就這樣來到最終場。這次也不是為了男人而搬，而是帶著自己的家庭和生活一起搬遷，是紮實的想要在一個新地方落地生根。
我問自己，下一次想逃的時候怎麼辦呢？現在沒辦法很俐落的逃了，會大包小包，保養補充品都要帶好，還有一老三小會想帶上。可能得試著把焦躁不安的能量安放在其他事情上吧，像是寫作和鑽研女巫技能等等，這些永遠都只做一半的事情上。可能我終於也得學著如何把路走得遠一點吧。
I don’t think anyone was surprised by the announcement—I have always been an expert-level mover, after all. Since the age of 7, I have migrated around the Taipei metropolitan area: Keelung, Taipei, New Taipei City, with multiple districts dwelt. Most of the time I was living with family or friends. I was alone briefly at one point, and I was even living with the landlords sometimes. Among my 32-year very professional career of moving, Ireland is by far the farthest and one of my favorite places I’ve moved to. When it comes to Taiwan though, it seems that I am bound by Taipei.
For me, moving is very rarely for actual survival reasons. Almost every move I made was motivated by some sort of deeper emotional intent. Sometimes it’s for a taste of freedom; sometimes it’s out of loneliness and fear. Sometimes I couldn’t find ways to continue living with a person without wanting to kill myself. There were also times when I just wanted to be with the person I loved.
After long periods of moving, real-life became the in-between and almost lost its meaning. It’s like I’m playing a video game, and every move is a do-over for any problems I cannot fix in my life. Can’t get over problems with this person? Move. Too stressed at home and too much generational trauma? Move. I never needed to learn how to communicate or how to lead a fulfilling life since I could always move away for a fresh start.
I can no longer live that life, though I still wine about wanting to leave Taiwan or escape Taipei from time to time. My husband is sometimes worried that I’m trapped here because of him and that one day I’m going to disappear, leaving him with 3 cats and an apartment he can no longer afford. He said he doesn’t want to be anywhere without me and to please just bring him along. I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to escape anywhere without him now. I can’t even live on my own now. It’s silly.
This move is the result of month-long discussions and/or consistent brainwashing from my end. But we found a house we really like, and we accidentally realize we like the small city. Now we’re committed to moving with our 3 cats to a city where we know no one and have no family and friends in.
But this move feels different. It used to feel like Taipei was a place I’d return to, and this feels like a final goodbye. My decade-long great escape is finally coming to an end. I’m also finally not moving for a man but with a man, with our life, together, building something new and growing roots.
I still ask myself what I’d do the next time I get the itch to run. I can’t just walk away now. I’m old enough to want a checked bag and a carry-on, a full bag of supplements and skincare, my man, and my cats. I guess it’s time to channel the energy into something else, like writing or becoming a better witch, things I always put aside for jobs and other material pursuits. Perhaps it is time I finally learn how to stay on a path till the end.